Karen Rivers

birthdays and store policies

Karen Rivers

Unbelievably, The Birdy is three today.   Except she isn't really, but we'll be travelling on her actual birthday so we told her it was today, which is the same thing.   As every mother before me has said on every birthday their kid has ever had, "HOLY CRAP, HOW CAN SHE ALREADY BE THREE?"  But there she is, three.   Her favourite gift is a Diego talking backpack.   She's sleeping with it right now.

In related news, she's decided that now that she's three, she's also a boy and we are to address her by her real name of "Diego" from now on.  She's looking forward to all the benefits of being a boy, such as being able to pee standing up in the garden.   I don't have the heart to tell her that it's going to take more than a name change to sort that out.   

She also got a sparkly pink bike.   Because she is HUGE for her age, we had to get her a 14" bike, which was harder to find in this town than hen's teeth.   To make a long story short, I'll tell you that I found one in the first store that I looked in but they couldn't sell it to me.   Why not? you ask.   AS DID I.

Well, it's illegal (!) to sell the bikes unassembled in boxes, but the guy who assembles the bikes only comes in when Bev calls him.   He's sort of like retired, you know.

Can Bev call him?

No, Bev's off on, like, leave.

When is she coming back?

Don't know.  Maybe never.   

Can anyone else call the Bike Assembler?

No.   But Steve -- he's new! -- says he can assemble bikes.  It was totally on his resume, right?   But he's never done it.

Can Steve assemble the bike?

No, because he never shows up for work.   He calls in sick, like, ALL the time.

So you're a DEPARTMENT STORE and you're having a BIKE SALE, but none of the bikes can be sold because of Bev and Steve and the missing Bike Assembler with no name?

That's right.   But we can totally take your name and call you.   You know, if he ever, you know, comes back.

You know what?  I'll just go ahead and go to EVERY SINGLE OTHER SHOP IN TOWN UNTIL I FIND ONE, including the new Walmart which is so frightening that I have now developed a new phobia of Large Box Stores Featuring Robotic Voices and So Much Concrete That You'll Have Flashbacks To Being In Prison Even Though The Closest You've Been To Prison Is Watching The Green Mile.   Thanks anyway though!


And so I did.  (And that new Walmart is WEIRD.   Don't like it.   And actually, I'd boycotted Walmart after watching that documentary The High Cost of Low Prices.   I broke my boycott AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BIKE!   Just scary robots.   And concrete.   Miles and miles of concrete.)  

But who cares?  I gots me A SPARKLY PINK BIKE.

Of course, her favourite part is the horn.