I got a ticket the other day for talking on my phone while I was driving. I don't normally talk on my phone while I'm driving but I was trying to be efficient with my time and I suddenly thought to myself, "Sitting in a parking lot talking on my phone is stupid, I will continue talking while I drive and save SCADS of otherwise wasted time!"
I could see a police car up ahead and I'd just finished saying to the person on the other end of the phone, "I'm about to drop the phone, hang on!", thinking I was awfully clever, when the lights went on behind me. Total fail.
"Why didn't you at least TRY to hide it?" the policeman said. His eyes looked slightly sad and maybe a bit desperate. Why HADN'T I tried to hide it? I felt like a bad person.
"I was going to," i said. "From that guy up the hill there." I pointed and we both sadly and desperately looked at the police car that sat parked ahead of us up the hill.
"I have to give you a ticket," he said. "You drove right by me. Waaaaay back there. And you just kept talking."
"I'm sorry," I said. And I was. It took him a long time to write up the ticket, during which I had plenty of time to berate myself for being such an idiot and wasting so much MORE time.
"Don't cry," he said when he came back to the window. At which point, I burst into tears, surprising us both.
I had a book launch the other day for WHAT IS REAL. I say that "I" had a book launch but really it was a group book launch, which was fun, because I always like it when there are other people there. I live in fear of the day that a publisher makes me have my OWN book launch and no one shows up. It could happen. Likely it would happen. Sort of like a John Hughes movie except without Molly Ringwald or Judd Nelson or really anyone else.
Afterwards, everyone came up to me and said I should be a stand up comedian. I'm using the word "everyone" to mean "two people, plus a third who emailed me later, and also that other one who said I could be a motivational speaker because I'm sure he meant 'comedian'."
The punchline, of course, is that the book is quite serious and now I feel like I've misled the public, or at least the few dozen people who were at the launch. I'm sorry, launch people. It's a serious book.
Also, I can't be a comic because I'm only usually funny accidentally or if I've been drinking. But there's a huge risk there. Sometimes when I have a drink, I become painfully mean. No one is going to buy tickets to see someone who might or might not be funny or might or might not be mean. Unless that person is buying tickets to see Charlie Sheen. In which case, that person might not be the most discerning audience member anyway and they deserve what they get.
Earlier this evening I did something to my ear. I can't remember what it is, but I remember thinking, "I should take mental note of what I've just done because almost definitely I'm going to get a horrible ear infection from it, even though I haven't had a horrible ear infection since I was a child."
Ever since then, I've been dizzy-ish and my ear has been hurting. But I can't remember what I did to it.
Is that a sign of something troubling? Feel free to advise.
The Bachelorette is starting up again soon and yes, for those who wrote and asked, I will be blogging it over on my other blog at http://ispuddle.com. I couldn't think of another place to mention that where the people who asked might see it.
I might change my mind about blogging it. But don't worry: if I do, you'll be the first or second or third to know.
If I could ever in my life be as happy about anything as my kids are about jumping into a freezing cold lake in unseasonably cold weather with their clothes on, that would be ... I can't think of the right word. Amazing? Fantastic? Perfect?